My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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