The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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