I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
