Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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