No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
