You just made me feel so damn special
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
