She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
