My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
