dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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