brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
