Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
