my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
