Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
