considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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