Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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