well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
