I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
