Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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