Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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