I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
