capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
dude. I can hear the air.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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