what day is it and did you see me today?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
