So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
