i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
ugly people sure do ruin things
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
