What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
