there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
