Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
