I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
