We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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