Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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