naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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