You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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