I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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