I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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