Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
