Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
