dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
God gave him joint rollers for hands
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
