you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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