This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
