Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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