Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
