____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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