My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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