I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
