i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
