She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
