apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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