Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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