I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
