Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
